I would like to thank you for sharing with me your situation back home on your marriage. And I am sorry to hear of your husband’s infidelity. First of all, it is not God’s will that there be adultery in the marriage and we are commanded to keep our marriage pure and holy, be it whether you are believers or non-believers. It is a sacred vow every couple make before the marriage altar.

It is wrong of your husband to commit adultery and this truth i will not soften or hide from you. When there is adultery in the marriage, trust and love are broken. It takes time to heal but healing will come in faster if the party at fault repents and wants to set the marriage right again.

From your sharing, it seems that you are facing doubts in his faithfulness. There are a few things that may be able to help you decide what is the best thing to do and how to approach the situation:

1. Has your husband ever apologised for the wrong he has done towards you? Did he sincerely try to make up the marriage and the wrong he has done by trying to make the marriage work? If it is yes to both question, then it is a matter of communication failure between the two of you. It might be that he is trying hard to show his sincere love to set things right but in your subconscious mind and hurt emotions, you put on a guard against him and through your actions and words, you may have unknowingly rejected him. Thus, in the current situation where both of you are not talking to each other.

If the answer is ‘No’ to both questions. Then it is time to sit down with your husband and have a heart-to-heart talk about what had happened, your hurt, your concerns and your fear. If he is unrepentant and not sorry for his act of adultery, then suggest going for marriage counseling together. If possible, go for a Christian marriage counseling or have a Christian counselor. Encourage him to go for it and tell him that you want to make this marriage works, not just because of what the Bible says about marriage but also you love him. Only love can move his heart. If it fails, it means there is no more love and this marriage is no longer sacred to him.

2. The other important thing is ‘forgiveness’. It is not easy to forgive someone and say that the memory is wipe off your mind. Memory comes back to haunt you sometime but it is how you choose to handle the memory and past hurts. Forgiveness means to totally let go and not let the hurt controls or influence in anyway. When you say you forgive your husband and yet choose not to tell him, you didn’t really forgive him at all. It takes courage to go up to the offender and tell him that you have forgiven him for his acts of wrongs. When you choose to forgive him and tell him, you are telling you that you want to make this marriage works. At the same time, you are setting yourself free from the bondage of unforgiveness that is holding you down now. Who knows, maybe when you choose to forgive him, tell him so and tell him that you want both of you to try and make this marriage works again, his heart may change and repent.

3. Do not hold bitterness and anger in your heart. This leads to fear and insecurity being built up in your life. By being bitter and angry with your husband, it does not harm him but it harms you emotionally, spiritually and physically. Emotionally, it will cripple you to learn to give and receive love. Spiritually, it is a sin and it separates you from God. Physically, in the long term, it causes you to fall sick. Release all these to God in prayers. He is a loving God and Jesus understands what it means to feel betrayed and rejected. Go to God in prayers, cry out to Him, and go on your knees to ask Him for forgiveness and help, even the strength to love your husband again. In tears we sow, but we will reap in joys when we hold on to God’s words with faith and hope.

4. You have the right to withhold any sexual intimacy until you are ensured of your husband and you being healed of any sexually transmitted disease. He should not be afraid to go for medical treatment or checkup. He refuses to do so may mean an exposure of his infidelity. Then, you have to pray and ask God for wise decisions on how to handle your marriage. Again, seek for marriage counseling and you must pray fervently for God’s deliverance out of the situation.

5. Maybe something for you to ponder and to search for the reasons for his infidelity. I am not saying that you are not a good wife. Sometimes, the past, even your husband’s upbringing or his family’s background influence his understanding of marriage and relationship. For example, if a child is brought up in an environment where his parents are not happily married, always fighting or in an environment where the parents were having their own sexual partners in the marriage, this can distort the child’s understanding of marriage, love and relationship. By understanding his past and background, it may help you to understand him better and it may provide a guide on how to salvage your marriage.

6. Last but not least, pray for his salvation. It seems that he is not a Christian so his ways are of the world and not according to the word of God. His coming to Christ will change the marriage tremendously as Christ is in both of your lives and in your marriage. Your marriage will then be built on solid rock, Jesus.

My wife and me will pray for you and for God’s intervention into your marriage that through this event, he will come back to you, understand the true meaning of marriage in Christian context and to come to know Jesus as his personal Saviour. We will also pray for God to bestow wisdom upon you on how to handle the situation and to heal your hurts.

Shalom, my dear sister-in-Christ. If you have time, please read our articles on “The Power of Forgiveness” and “Is Marriage Forever?”. In God we trust. Put your hope in Jesus.

Reason: He had an affair with the house maid. the maid told me. We terminated her work. I lost trust in my husband, I even fear of being infected with HIV/AIDS if at all he might have got it from her supposing she had it. I am not sure if he doenst have any relationships outside my marriage also. Since he can sleep with a maid!!!!!!

sometime back, we had had STD I informed him of our being infected he denied that for him he was not sick or infected. He accused me of having been the one who brought the disease. I told him the fact that I was sick, the issue of who brought it was not important. The important thing was to treat ourselves. But inside me I knew it was not me because my movements are safe and more I am a christian. For me I went for treatment I became fine for him he refused. For that matter I decided not to have sex until he treated. Before time long, he had relationship with a maid. I got a feeling of leaving him alone without even talking to him. Yet as christians we are supposed to forgive. I am dilema if I tell him that I have forgiven this will mean that I will have to have sex with him and yet I am not of his status. What can I do. Please reply thank you.